When was the last time that someone dissapointed you or let you down?

Well, I believe that it is not the people who let us down – but our own expectations:

Because people always act as who they are – it is generally us who have unrealistic expectations from others and eventually we are the dissapointed ones.

But what should be the way to be able to identify the people correctly and set our expectations realisticly?

I have a theory for that!

I call it the”Theory of t₀“.

After hearing this theory, you might set your expectations of people realisticly in order not to be dissapointed.

This theory relies on my personal and professional experiences. Let’s say something that I made up to ease my own life!

I am working as a Human Resources Manager.

As a part of my job I have to hire people.

Therefore  I make interviews with them.

And for me, there is no difference at all between hiring a candidate and getting to know someone new.

Interviews with the candidates consist of three steps which are also valid for identifying “any person” in our lives.

Step 1 is observing people at “t₀“:

“t₀” means the time being, where we are – Let’s say time “now”.

I observe the candidates during the interview and try to identify their core qualities and main characteristic features at t₀.

As the power of observation is the key to the success of this theory, I want to give you some clues about observation.

In order to make a healthy observation I always focus on people’s point of view, their priorities, their values and their behavioral patterns.

I mean, I don’t focus on what happens to them – but I focus on how they handle it, their approach.

I always ask a simple question to the candidates during the interviews: “Why do you want to leave your current job?”

For example one of the candidates answers as “Whatever I do – it is not enough; I am not happy there anymore and I want to work in a company where I can feel myself appreciated.”

For me this candidate is emotional, seeking others’ approval and not taking responsibility.

However another candidate replies this very same question as: “My performance score is low but on the other hand my manager does not give me proper feedback to improve. I want to be a part of a company where I can be coached to do my best to be successful.”

And this one is rational and seeking for self improvement and has a better chance to take the position.

After the observation part comes the step 2, which is checking them at “t_-1“:

“t_-1” means before, where we were once – Let’s say “past” time.

I ask questions about their past experiences, about t_-1.

I check if the information they are giving about their past relates with their present situation.

If the data I obtain from t₀ and t_-1 are relevant, which is usually the case, it leads me directly to a conclusion.

Which is step 3, and also known as making an assumption for “t₁“:

“t₁” means after, where we will be –Let’s say “future” time.

I make an assumption for t₁ to be able to set my expectations of people realisticly in order not to be dissapointed.

In fact how you identify a person just for the time being is more than enough to assume that person’s potential.

In this theory, we check the consistency of the present data with the past just to double check!

But in fact the theory is mainly about now and this is why it is called the”Theory of t₀“.

I want you to remember the interview case I have just mentioned: Although both of the people  were facing a similar situation, their answers were completely different. This is because their approaches are different, their point of view are different, their values and priorities are different.

And thesee core qualities and characteristic features of people never change.

You may claim “People can change” but I would say “Only the ones with the potential to change can” – so, no exceptions to the rule!

I hope you will see how straightforward the “Theory of t₀” is and how easy to use it yourselves.

Just follow the three steps:

Identify the people using all your observation skills;

Check it against their background –ask questions, be sure;

And set your expectations accordingly.

Then – no more surprises  or disappointments.

Trust in the “Theory of t₀” – it will never let you down!

29.01.2016

TM-SP3

Tonight, we are gathered together for a new beginning:

The beginning of a new season at Nicosia Crusaders Club.

In this season, there is the possibility that I might stand behind that lectern,

Deliver the worst speech ever,

And make a complete fool out of myself…

This is a possibility!

On the other hand there is a strong hope,

That I might make a speech to remember forever,

Besides that, I may touch a few people’s lives among the audience

And inspire them for a lifetime.

The only way to see our hopes come true is to make new beginnings.

And it’s the new beginnings which make our lives interesting, exciting, wonderful and worthy!

Do you remember moving out from your parents’ house for university,

Or the day you resigned from a job which was driving you crazy?

Remember the time you replied “Yes, I do!”,

Remember the moment you learned that you were with child – with your firstborn.

Those new beginnings brought you here and made you who you are.

So… Mr. Toastmaster, fellow toastmasters and dear guests,

Please charge your glasses… and stand…

And share a toast with me:

To NEW BEGINNINGS!

 

18.09.2015

TM-Prepared Toast

How do you prefer to break-up with someone?

I wonder if there is a nice way to do it when you have to do it?

I have been thinking about “mastering the art of breaking-up” since I learned that there are specific kinds of letters for break-ups belonging to the American culture, known as “Dear John Letters”.

They say that the origin of this “Dear John Letter” phrase comes from the times of World War II:

American men go to war, they can not return home for a long time.

And eventually, one by one, they begin to receive these “Dear John Letters” from their wives or girlfriends informing them their relationships are over.

Yes!

“Dear John, I am sorry but I am sick of waiting for you and it is over. I met this guy with the blue Corvette; he takes me out dancing and he is so nice to me. I hope you meet with a nice girl ‘if’ you return home…”

Breaking-up via a letter?

Does it sound cruel to you?

Well nowadays you may not even receive a letter at all – cruel or not.

You may receive an “emoji” – or, if you are lucky enough, a well chosen “sticker”!

Believe me, it is a fact! I received one! I can show you if you want!

No “Dear Jane…” stuff, no letter, no nothing – just a Snoopy sticker through “Facebook Messenger”!

After bunches of paragraphs in which I was trying to express myself, all I received back was a Snoopy sticker!

Snoopy?!

Come on! – If you can not be a man, at least be a bit more creative!

Would you like to hear about a creative break-up?

O.K.!

Do you remember the famous TV series – “Sex and the City”?

There is this main character called Carrie Bradshaw – a typical New Yorker girl, lives in Manhattan and she writes a column about the relationships as a profession?

In season six, Carrie Bradshaw’s ‘complete waste of time boyfriend’ – Berger, breaks up with her on a “post-it” – on the morning of their very last make-up night! Very creative!!

After all the ups and downs in their relationship, she finally accepts to take him back,

they spend the night together,

then she wakes up alone in the morning and finds the “post-it” on her Mac Book screen!

It says: “I’m Sorry / I can’t / Don’t hate me – ”

I remember, they made an entire episode out of this creative break-up tool: A “post-it”!

Well, compared to “Snoopy” and the “Post-it”, receiving a “Dear John/Dear Jane Letter” does not sound that cruel anymore – right?

On the other hand, some of you still may think that every relationship at least deserves a simple “phone talk” to break up?

I suggest you should not be so sure.

It really depends on the call you receive.

Now listen to this – not a TV series thing, and completely non-fiction, a true story:

The girl falls in love with a man – the love of her life, her other half, her soulmate…

They talk on the phone for hours.

They meet quite often.

They not only share a bed but also share ideas, jokes and laughter.

“They finish each others’ sentences” type of thing.

Besides, she knows his parents and gets on very well with them.

Then one day she receives a phone call from him.

He says “There is something I would like to tell you” in a serious and anxious manner.

She gets excited and thinks the time has come when she will hear “those three words” that she has been expecting for a long time.

At the same time she feels a bit disappointed – because she thinks it is better to hear it face to face; but anyway – she does not discourage him and answers “Yes, I am listening…”

Instead of those expected three words, she hears him say: “I have a girlfriend.”

Well, this is no news – she already knows that… She is the girlfriend.

Is she?

No.

And there comes a long, ice cold, awkward silence on the line…

What about that?!

Telling about a girlfriend, to a girl who thinks that she is your girlfriend!

On the phone?!

What kind of a break up is that?!

What on earth was he thinking?!

You should have seen the expression on that poor girl’s face while telling me the story.

She was the “Emoji”!

“Dear Janes and Johns”,

Breaking-up with someone is not a nice thing – and there will never be a nice way to do it.

So, just remember that the people you are breaking up with are real human beings,

You once had good times together,

And they deserve to hear at least a few nice words face to face – in person.

Although the break-up conversation makes us feel uncomfortable, we all know that it is still the only thoughtful, graceful, decent and honorable way to “master the art of breaking-up”.

12.11.2015

TM-SP2

“People have forgotten to be valuable, they are just trying to be important”.

This quote belongs to a Turkish politician, journalist and writer called “Çetin Altan” who has passed away last week at the age of 88.

He claimed that being important is a temporary situation – on the other hand being valuable is permanent and priceless.
He believed that the key for a developed country is in the hands of its valuable people.

So – what makes us valuable?
In my opinion “what we know” makes us valuable,
Our will to expand our knowledge and the way we share it,
Things we do in our spare time,
Values those we respect and believe in,
How we treat people,
The way we make them feel,
The way we talk about them in their absence,
Our willingness to help those who are in need,
Our capability to be happy for others’ achievements,
Everyday trying our best – to become better versions of ourselves, makes us so.

And of course the way we are remembered makes us valuable in the end.

This gentleman who has passed away was a golden child of a nation and certainly was a valuable man himself – a genuine one to be remembered forever.

30.10.2015

TM-Thought of the Day

There are and there will be struggles in life.

Are we going to focus on the struggles and the problems themselves?
Or are we going to choose to recognize the lessons they are trying to teach us?

This is an important, life changing decision to make.

I believe that every struggle we face in our lives are sent in order to teach us something, or to make us teach something to others.

Being able to recognize these lessons is the key for the personal evolution.

Concentrating on self evolution instead of being stucked in the problems makes the life easier and happier.

Problems – one or another will always be in our lives.

If we manage to learn our lessons from them, we may carry ourselves to higher levels in being better people.

Handling the problems with such point of view makes us gain
– Empathy,
– Resilience,
– Joy and
– Strength to survive.

So today, I invite you all to make this life changing decision – which will lead you to be better and happier version of yourselves.

05.06.2015
TM-Thought of the Day

Seven years ago, I surprisingly met someone.
A complete stranger.
Someone whose company I have appreciated each and every day since we met.
Someone I love to discover.
Someone who is my longest commitment.
That someone is me.
Noone else but me – myself and I.

Yes, I met myself at the age of thirty.
You may wonder, how on earth this could be possible?
Well, let me explain you what was going on in my life before that grand meeting.

I was born in Ankara -the capital city of Turkey- in 1978.
I was raised in a loving, caring and a quite conservative family in the same city.
I went to school and finally graduated from the College in the very same city.
This was the first era of my life – in which I was someone’s daughter.

Then came the second era – in which I was someone’s wife.
In fact, the story of this era is much more interesting than the first.
In his book “Justine”, Lawrence Durrell says “A city becomes a world when one loves one of its inhabitants”.
Well, in 1999 the “21 year old college girl” version of me reads this very romantic sentence,
It makes a lot of sense to her,
By the courage of this sense and the level of love and romance, she accepts to marry her 23 year old college boyfriend.
The proposal comes with a clause of moving abroad to the boy friend’s homeland.
She does not hesitate even for a moment and accepts to move to an island called Cyprus to which she has never been before,
And she has never seen before – not even on TV, literally…
Because you know “A city becomes a world…”!
Yes, we got married in 2001 and moved to this beautiful Island which indeed became a world for me as I very much loved one of its inhabitants truely and deeply.

Then somehow, after ten years of marriage came a divorce – but don’t worry,a smooth one…
By the last years of my marriage, the third era of my life had begun, in which I had been trying to be myself.
At that time, in 2008, I felt miserably alone for the very first time in my life and I met myself in that loneliness.
And I found the opportunity to ask myself about my ambitions.
The answer was simple: To be happy and to find out and realize my potential.
And so, I made a very simple decision: I decided to move away from all negative people and all negative thoughts in my life.
At the very same time I also made a strong wish to meet only inspiring people from then on for the rest of my life:
People who will inspire me to bring out the best in me,
Who will encourage me to share my blessings with others,
Who will lead me to speak up,
Who will keep introducing me to new beautiful people like themselves.

It has been seven years since that I have made that simple decision and that strong wish.
Since then I feel like I am on a consistent journey to myself.
And sometimes I feel I am like Heinrich Harrer, the Austrian mountain climber from the movie – “Seven Years in Tibet”. His adventurous climbing journey suddenly leads him to meet and become friends with the Dalai Lama in Tibet. This friendship and the journey he takes make him face himself and find his inner peace.

Well, through the seven years of my own journey I have not met the Dalai Lama yet but I have met some inspiring people on my way just as in my strong wish.
One of those people made me feel beautiful again,
One encouraged me to share my writings with others,
One appreciated my potential and promoted me in my job,
One introduced me to a life time friend,
And that friend lead me to speak outloud and introduced me to all of you.

And now, after seven years in my journey to myself, I feel that the third era of my life is slowly closing and something new is about to come.
I do not know what it will be for the time being – it is just a strong feeling…
But there is one thing I am sure of:
This time, me – myself and I are ready and there to welcome anything that comes along…

15.05.2015

TM-SP1

Let’s look for the happiness at the right place.

It is absolutely amazing to share the happiness with the people around us:

With our parents,

With our friends,

With our colleagues,

With our lovers,

With our spouses or

With our children.

On the other hand, the happiness that we share with them should not be depending on those people.

The existence of our own happiness has got nothing to do with someone else.

The source of our own happiness is inside us.

It comes from our own minds and souls.

Let’s look for it at the right place.

Once we find it there, we will gain a sustainable and precious source of our own.

Please remember; emotionally self sufficient people are the best survivers and they are the sources of inspiration.

So, let’s look for the happiness at the right place.

And let’s never place our happiness in someone else’s hands.

Because if they walk away, so does our happiness.

24.04.2015

TM-Thought of the Day